I Have To Be The Lamest Red Sox Fan On The Planet

Tony C -- oooh, that jawline!

I have to be the lamest Red Sox fan on the planet. (Disclaimer:  Although I am not a baseball fan, my first celebrity crush was Tony Conigliaro.  Thank goodness I didn't meet Tom until after Tony died.  AWK-ward!)

I was the grateful recipient the other day of three tickets to tonight's game against the Texas Rangers at Fenway Park.  I was pleasantly surprised at how light the traffic was around Fenway driving in.  I got there plenty early, though, to park and walk and settle into our seats.  There were more happy surprises when the Park, while hopping busy, had no lines at the gate.   Once inside I'm a wee bit surprised at how full the Park is at 6:15 before a 7:10 game, but I figure the crowd is there to watch the warmup which, again surprisingly, seems to be happening on the field already. And while I always thought the teams warmed up separately, there they were, both teams on the field, warming up together. Taking turns, you could even call it.  And the crowd was freakishly enthusiastic watching the warmup. But with Red Sox Nation, you just never know.

So I settle the boys into our seats, which are actually our neighbors' seats, because our seats are filled by a group of already quite drunk guys. My first thought (well, third thought, after "Dammitall, why do you have to be drunk already?" and "And why do I have to sit next to you, Drunk Guy?") was to have 96 sit next to him, but he's already started in with the drunken blather. "Yeah, just sit there instead. I hope you don't mind if I hit on you, okay?" "Yeah, I kind of do mind," is what I was screaming in my head, but I knew I couldn't let 96 sit next to him. I made eye contact with Nice Lady In Back Of Me, and left the boys to get our beverages. When I got back with  our soda and peanuts and popcorn for 98, there was now a drunk girlfriend in my seat, next to 96, and it appeared to be actual play taking place on the field.

Hmmmm. Could I have missed the National Anthem while I was getting food? I felt badly about that. Not being a sports fan, the National Anthem is usually the highlight of  my stadium experience. I look at the scoreboard. It says we're in the bottom of the 6th.  I check and recheck our tickets and it begins to dawn on me that something is amiss. I wonder to myself if it's a double header today.   Could the security guard at the gate possibly have let me in at the end of Game 1? That would explain the DGs in our seats. It's beginning to make sense.

But that seems about as likely as the gate attendant at the airport letting me get on the wrong plane.  They're paid not to let that happen.  So I turn to NLIBOM and ask.  Shaking her head no (and do I almost see a laugh?) she went on to explain that when the game was scheduled for national broadcast, they pushed the start time back. Three hours. I guess the network forgot to call me.  Apparently, it's common knowledge that there will be a time change if a game is nationally broadcast.  This was my critical mistake.  So yeah, we got to the game in the bottom of the sixth, well after the grand slam in the fourth, part of an eight-run-inning. And it took me three outs, minimum, to figure this out.

The perp walk

On the upside, we got to see what you tv viewers missed:  the streak across the grass from left field to right and the tackle in front of our seats. The runner was fully clothed, though, so what was the point?

On the downside, that $7.25 refillable drink I got so 96 and I could split it and get free refills? Not looking like such a bargain anymore.

And in case you're wondering about that Jordan's Furniture special: If a member of the Red Sox hits this baseball on their sign (not the sign -- just the baseball) between July 22 and the end of the regular play, my new sofa will be free.