I thought this was too cool not to share ...

 ... guess who's Google's number two result on the search term "factory sealed pork past expiration date".  What did YOU accomplish today?

Please don't ask how I know this.

Happy Birthday Agent 96

Agent 96 turned 14 the other day. I guess I've been watching too many of those cake shows. I used a timer to keep track of how long it took to carve and decorate this cake: I would have made it well within their usual timeframe, with time to spare. But I don't think in actual competitions they allow competitors an hour break in the middle to watch The View and take a nap.

I wish I had a picture of Tom with this guitar. This is was his when he was in college, and the guitar that 96 started with, Tom was so proud when he became interested in playing.  This was Christmas at Madeline's house, 2007 I think.

I Think I'll Wait 'Til It's Over to Put This Up

Part 1

I learned quickly after Tom's diagnosis mostly to trust (dot)gov, edu, and org websites when looking for educational information about cancer.  While lots of (dot)coms are there to sell stuff, some will provide helpful anecdotal information, which is valuable if you're looking for anecdotes.  When I was searching for information, information that I literally was going to bet my husband's life on, I only trusted (dot)gov's and org's and edu's.  And not just any (dot)gov or (dot)edu.  Along with  Harvard Medical School and its affiliated institutions, my top go-to sites included the NIH (National Institutes of Health), Johns Hopkins and Memorial Sloan-Kettering. They served me well and are eminently readable. The Mayo Clinic was the major exception to my "no-dot-coms" rule.

I have a little time on my hands today to blog, because I need to stay close to home. At home, actually. At home near the bathroom.

I'm prepping for my colonoscopy tomorrow and have started the - ahem - clear liquid part of the process. So here are some sites I'd recommend for information about colonoscopies, and colorectal cancer prevention and treatment:

No offense, Dr. Gastroenterology, but for those of us being so conscientious and getting our colonoscopies starting at age 50, and then following up the recommended every 10 years unless abnormal results are found, when can we STOP getting screened for this type of cancer?

And here's everything you ever wanted to know about polyps but were afraid to ask.

I'm not exactly clear on the benefits of a virtual colonoscopy. You have to go through the same prep process, the verb "insert" is still a major player. But if anything out of the ordinary is found, the doctor cannot take a sample (for a biopsy) or remove it (in the case of polyps). In that case (remember, I'm no doctor), wouldn't you have to have an old-fashioned colonoscopy anyway?

One question I haven't been able to find an answer to online is why this electrolyte solution has to taste so freaking bad. If we can put a man on the moon, can't we at least make this stuff taste like Moxie? I don't think I'm asking too much.

I don't know if it's just because my grandfather died of colon cancer when I was very young and he seemed very old (he was probably in his sixties), but I think of it as an old man disease; certainly it's not front-and-center on my radar. But these famous non-old-men have all been diagnosed with or died of colorectal cancer.

I'm just sayin' ...

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Part 2

I can't not have pictures, can I?

Everything's fine. Back again in 2015.

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Part 3

And I thought this was just too funny not to include.  So during the prep I had a question, and called the doctor's office, and spoke with someone on his staff.  She mentioned in passing, "Oh, I'm late for mine; I need to schedule it for myself."   I made a comment about cobbler's children, and then asked what was probably wildly inappropriate, but I know for a fact I've done worse: "So", I asked, "when you need a colonoscopy do you go to this Dr. Gastroenterology, or do you have your own?" I could hear her shaking her head, responding that she does, indeed, have her boss perform her colonoscopy.  Just think about that the next time you think your boss is way too far up your a$$.

Way to Play to the Masses, Boston Globe G Section

The October 13 Boston Globe G section contained an article about where to get a great burger in greater Boston.  With two teenage boys, I have a bit of experience with burger joints, and I have my favorite spots already.  But I'm always open to a great new burger place.  Imagine my disappointment when the article turned out to be about great burgers under $20.

Twenty dollars, Boston Globe?  Have you read a newspaper recently?

I'll stick with some of my reliable favorites, thank you very much.

In no particular order, we have Five Guys burgers, which Tom introduced us to during a visit to DC, where the Alexandria, VA location was a regular destination for us.  The one in Dedham, MA is a bit too fast-food-restauranty for me, but you can get a  four burgers there for under $20. Total.

If you're in Harvard Square and want a burger, and don't mind if your burger comes with a side of political cooties, there's Mr. Bartley's Burgers on Mass Ave.  You might want to head there during off-peak hours, but you can get a burger there named after, among others, Scott Brown, Teddy Kennedy, Deval Patrick or Mitt Romney.  Don't forget the sweet potato fries. You can also get a Viagra there, without a prescription.

Tied with me for burger quality and menu variety, but with maybe a little more ambiance, check out the Boston Burger Company in Davis Square.  The boys' favorite there is the Artery Clogger, a chicken-fried hamburger.  You could get two Artery Cloggers, with beverages, for that same $20.

For my money the only burger worth $20 is one that comes with a side of prime rib.  And I haven't found that one on a menu yet.

I don't drink

I don't drink.

When I gave up alcohol nearly six years (really, Linda, it's been that long?) ago it was a simple experiment to see how long I'd go with out a drink. Well, it's been 2141 days and counting.And I'm actually pretty proud of myself that I made it through these last two years without caving.  I won't lie: I wanted more than one, more than once. I breathed through it, and made it home again.

Until just a couple of weeks ago we had a very fully stocked liquor cabinet: Tom's Bushmills, of course, and a very special bottle of Chivas. Then the usual rum, vodka, gin, etc., and some less common but still useful ouzo, port, sherry, sundry liquers.And we had on hand whatever it takes for strawberry daiquaris, including strawberries in the freezer. And if you knew Tom, you know that many of these bottles were gallons or at least liters. No pints for him: even liquor has to be cost effective.

I know what the law in Massachusetts is regarding open liquor containers in cars: It's against the law to drive with open containers in the passenger section of a vehicle. Having them in the trunk is okay. I drive a minivan, though, so the entire car is "passenger section". So I put all the liquor (except the amaretto and kahlua [cheesecakes] and sherry [for marinades] and the two buck Chucks I keep in the cellar for tomato sauce),  into heavy brown paper bags, placed the bags behind the driver's seat, and brought them to a friend who had just moved to a rather distant Boston suburb, where I'm sure she'll find a good home for all of these treasures.

I drove very carefully: I stayed in my own lane, stopped at every yellow light, yielded at every intersection, and flicked the blinker on well before each necessary turn.

Over the summer I was driving with my brother Jack who is now a college professor, but formerly was a Boston cab driver. He commented while driving with me once that I could be a Boston cabbie if I ever wanted to. I took that as a high compliment.

Until then, if you see me stopping at yellow lights, using my blinker to change lanes, or yielding at a yield sign, I probably just have booze in the back seat.

No Longer Applicable

Recently, our new dog got up onto the kitchen table and scarfed down a good portion of a very nice steak that I had planned serve for dinner that evening. I had been marinating it in the fridge, but pulled it out early to take the chill off before grilling it.

I told a friend about it, and she empathized. I started to reply. “Oh, thanks. It was a beautiful steak, and big enough to feed all  of us”  &mdash but my reply got stuck in my throat.

Really, Linda, all three of us? We are not a family of three. We are a family of four, and “all of us” no longer applies.