Tuesday, July 20, 2010

You Say Nine-Hour-Flight ... I Say SkyMall

Even with a bag of books and magazines, all the movies offered on demand by the airline (I watched When in Rome, Date Night and another movie that was so forgettable I’ve already forgotten it) and Bejeweled in seatback during our nine-freaking-hour flight from Detroit to Hono, I still made time to peek at the SkyMall catalog. That’s my favorite part of flying.

Who knew my living room needed a litter box disguised as a planter, which, if I turn like they have it in the picture, the cat can’t get into. So no, I won’t have that awful litter box smell in my living room; but I will have an ugly fake plant in an ugly fake planter in the corner. And cat poop under the couch, no doubt.

And speaking of pet excretory systems, I can buy any one of a variety of Astroturf rectangles to train my soon-to-be-new-dog to crap and pee in grass. Never mind this strip of grass would be right there in the middle of my living room floor. How can I choose one among the slew, from the low-end $49 plus shipping grass patch to the $279 premium “Sleep Late on Saturdays” model which includes a built in sprinkler system? Isn’t the problem this item is trying to address is that a dog come with its own built in sprinkler system? Now THAT’S what I call flying high! Or do you just have to be high to want to teach your dog to crap in grass on your living room floor?

And you tell me what you think of this Hammacher-Schlemmer chair: does it spell c-o-m-f-o-r-t to you, or does it say “I’m an a-hole who wants to sit in a 5½ -foot-tall folding seat, and screw the people sitting behind me”? It channels my inner Edith Ann. Nothing says comfort to me like my legs dangling over the edge of a gigantic folding canvas chair cutting off circulation behind my knees.

I'm certain nothing stops snoring quite like the Breathe Fit Snoring Aid. I snore just fine for free, thank you very much. And sure, I’ll have a quiet night with a nose ring stuck in my nostrils. I’ll be too busy yanking that sucker out and stumbling around the darkened, strange hotel room trying to find the rubbish bin (swearing loudly and waking the neighbors) to snore.

You’ve probably seen the as-seen-on-tv Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves. In SkyMall, I can actually purchase a knockoff Snuggie-built-for-two: the Siamese Slanket. (Direct your cards and letters to SkyMall, please. They named it, not me.) It's perfect for sitting bolt upright on the couch with your loved one, watching tv. Now, I don’t know how you do your cuddling, but when our couch got too small for Tom and me to cuddle side-by-side (who knew couches could shrink?) we devised the next best thing: opposite ends of the couch, legs entwined, toes tucked under each other’s torso for warmth. Now, find me a cuddling companion and a Siamese Slanket with arms at opposite ends and maybe you’ve got a sale.

Opinions expressed in this piece are strictly my own. If you own any of the above-mentioned items, I hope we can still be friends.


  1. OMG. That was too funny. Skymall is Craig's FAVORITE thing to read. He brings them home so I can read it too. But he is not being ironic.