Ready, Steady ...

It had been a long eighteen months, and absurd as it sounds, Tom’s death was sudden, and unexpected. I had read all the books, attended all the support groups, had the counseling, dragged my kids, quite literally kicking and screaming, into counseling. As prepared as I was, I wasn’t ready.

I would have told you I was ready, of course, and I would have believed it myself. I had a list of account numbers, and login id’s and passwords. I had a list of phone numbers, and email addresses. I had a wallet card of medications, and doctors names and addresses. I had a durable power of attorney and a medical proxy. We had talked about his wishes, and I was comfortable with his requests. I had a funeral home picked out: I wanted it nearby and convenient, but I didn’t want to drive by it every day and think to myself, “That was where Tom was …” It couldn’t be en route from our house to one of the kids’ friends’ houses, either, so they wouldn’t think, “That’s where Dad …” every time they visited that friend. So I very cleverly picked one on a side street in Medford. I was prepared. It was all under control.

I was not ready for the wheelchair, or the seizures, or the night nurse, or the falls, or the ambulance ride. I was not ready to sit in the living room until the kids were awake to tell them Daddy had died that Sunday morning.

I am not ready to make sauce, or lasagna, or meatballs. I am not ready to balance the checkbook, or pay the taxes, or fix the fence; but I do each one of these tasks as they come up, and it turns out some of them I do pretty well.

But I will never be ready for the silence I hear where his snore is supposed to be.